- Have a good job and some money in the bank in a separate account. This is important for several reasons:
- Your spouse may not be able to hold a job so you will need an income
- Your spouse may spend your money but not let you spend his.
- You can rent a separate place where you can get away (see below).
- Have a second place to live. This might be a family member's house or your own place if you can afford it. We have a small condo and our original home 15 miles away. My daughter and I live in the condo during the week (my husband may or may not show up at my daughter's bedtime) and the house on the weekend. We have found this absolutely essential because:
- It means my husband--who "works" out of our home--can avoid the daily stresses that come with homework, piano practicing, etc. It also gives us peaceful evening when otherwise, he would agitate the household with various anxieties.
- It give us a place to entertain guests that annoy my husband (virtually everyone) and even to put them up overnight.
- It gives my husband a place to come to if, on the weekend, he finds the day's activities agitate him.
- Learn to say this phrase: "I will not fight with you" when he starts that inevitable argument over nothing.
- Be very specific about what you need. This is the hard one for me. I am used to social conventions and can't always articulate to him with the directness that he needs to be able to understand. My daughter, actually, is better at this!
- Never expect your spouse to do anything new. If he says "yes" ahead of time, there is a very good chance this will change to "no" later. Plan your social life as if he will never be there. Once in a while, you may be surprised.
- Anticipate turmoil any time there is a change in daily routine. Prepare by having back up plans for childcare, dog care, etc.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
How does our marriage survive
Surviving our marriage is a constant effort. Here are some keys:
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